Through the Madness
by ITSMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING Karin/Hitsugaya Karin is depressed. She self harms and is anorexic. M for depression and anorexia.
1. Chapter 1

Her POV

"Dont touch me, I want Toshiro." I yelled and the poor guy who was just trying to help. The man ran out of the room. A few minutes later Toshiro runs in.

"What's wrong? Did something happen?" He said looking me up and down to see if I was ok

All I could do was cry and hold my knee in pain. He held me until the crying stopped.

"I need to look at it. Ok"

I nodded. I then carefully let go of my knee and let him see. There was a large gash going down me knee and a little on my leg. He very gently touched the side of where the Slice was. I instinctively yelped and grabbed his shirt he let go of my knee and held me for another few minutes.

He then Left the room and returned with Unohana minutes later. She had a bag, of what i could guess was medical supplies and some kind of drink with her.

"Here drink this it will help with the pain."

I drank the gross drink then the room started to spin and everything was fuzzy . The last thing I could remember was falling back into Toshiro's arms.

His POV

I came running in the door. Someone told me Karin had gotten hurt and was at her apartment in the soul society . When I saw here sitting on the bed crying all I wanted to do was make her pain stop. I quickly walked over to her.

"what's wrong? Did something happen?" I said checking to make sure she was ok. All she could do was cry so I held her trying to make it ok. She was holding her leg in a way that told be she was hurt badly.

When the crying finally slowed down I knew I had to see what was wrong.

"I need to look at it. Ok"

She nodded yes then very slowly and carefully moved her arm away. There was a large cut going down her knee and on to her calf. I tried to softly touch it but she yelped in pain and grabbed my shirt. I just held her for a minute well I tried to figure out what to do.

I knew Unohana would be able to help so carefully let Karin go on the bed. I then flash stepped to the 4th division when I got there i went to Unohana's office and knocked on the door.

"hello Toshiro what can I do for you?"

"Karin got hurt,and she's in a lot of pain. I don't know what to do can you help?"

"of course just let me get something."

She went in her office and came back with a bag and a small glass full of some clear Bubbling liquid.

As we were going back to Karin's apartment she explained that the drink she had would make Karin go to sleep so she wouldn't be in pain well Unohana helped. When we got back to Karin she looked in even more pain than before. As Unohana gave her the drink I quickly sat down behind her incase she fell. She started to get weak. She then fell back into my arms.

Unohana then started to clean the cut on her leg and wrap it.

"How did she get that deep of a cut?"

"I don't know she didn't tell me."

"Alright, and your need to come talk to me when she wakes up."

"What about" i ask

"Karin. She is... Well we'll talk later.

"Ok. Thank you for the help Unohana." I say as I walk her out the door.

When I go back into her room I needed to go home and change and take a shower but I couldn't leave her here alone. So I carefully picked her minding which leg was hurt and carried her back to my apartment. I sat her on my bed and went to go get cleaned off.

When I came back she has still asleep but was starting to wake. When She woke up she seamed to be in pain still.

"How are you feeling?"

"Not good" she replied looking around.

"I'm supposed to take you to the 4th division."

"Ok but can you get me a glass of water really fast."

"Yeah" I go down stairs to kitchen and when I come back she's gone.

Her POV

Where am I?

I sit up and realize I'm in Toshiro's bed. Toshiro is watching me. I look around and notice my knee is bandaged and it hurts more than before.

"How are you feeling?" He ask coming a little closer.

"Not good"

"I'm supposed to take you to the 4th division." That's when I Freak out a little but I cant let him see or he might think something's up.

"Ok but can you get me a glass of water really fast." I say thinking of a way to get out of here before he sees me he walks done stairs to where I know the kitchen is.

Since I've been here before I know where to how to get out. And now that he's gone I need to go. I flash step or at least what I can do with my leg. I make it back to my apartment before I feel Toshiro's spiritual pressure Coming towards me. I feel my Leg start to bleed again. And then I felt dizzy. His spiritual pressure is getting closer and that doesn't help. Then he's here. All I can think is he looks confused before both my knees give out and he catches me.

I feel him caring me to the 4th and with what strength I have left I try to get out of his grasp, but I guess I lost all my energy on the run out of his house cause he doesn't even move as I try to push him away.

When we get to the 4th I try to run again but he just grabs my waist and pulls me into a room which I think is an office or something similar.

"Why do you keep trying to run away"

I stay silent not wanting to tell him why I don't want to come here

"Fine. don't talk to me. I'm just trying to help you." I look down at my shoes not wanting to know what he'll say next. But before he can say any more Unohana walks in.

"Hello Karin, are you still in pain." once she said that I noticed my leg was still bleeding.

"No not much." I say hoping thats all she wanted

"That's good."

"How did you get that cut, Karin." Toshiro ask

"I was fighting a hollow and I didn't see it coming. I killed it and one of the 4ths officers saw my cut and took me back to my apartment." I said wishing that I could leave now.

"Toshiro. Can we speak in my office." Unohana says turning toward him.

"Of course." He say as they both turn to leave.

His POV

As I shut the door behind me Unohana starts to walk to her office. Once were inside she makes sure to shut the door telling me that whatever she is about to say may not be good.

"So what would you to talk about." I ask cautiously hoping it isn't bad

"I'm sure you've noticed that Karin is under weight, correct?"

"Yes, but that's not strange."

"No, its normal for some people but Karin isn't just under weight. I can not be sure till I See Her real weight but she seams to have anorexia."

"Anorexia?" I saw confused as to what she is trying to say

"Yes. And while I was bandaging her cut earlier I saw that she has many scars from harming herself."

"I don't understand." I say trying to stay as calm as I can with this but all I want to do is see if its true myself.

"Karin is depressed, and because of that she is hurting her self. Now I only saw scars but that probably means she started doing it in a different place on her body. And possibly a more deadly place on her body."

"I need to go see her." I say starting to get angry.

"Of course. And by know I'm sure you can tell that she has walked back to your house."

"Yes. Is that all you need cause I must go."

"That is all, but here is something to help her with the pain." She say handing me a small bottle with little white pills inside.

"Now you must see if she I underweight. If she is under 105 pounds please come back so I may talk to her."

"Of course. Thank you for telling me this." I say leaving her office and flash stepping back to the house.

When I go in I see she's in my room siting on the bed.

"Show me them now." I say raising my voice a little

"What?" She ask

"The cuts the ones you did I want to see them. Now." I say calmly but still angry.

"Fine. alright but you need to stay calm."

"Ok." I say calming down more.

She then rolls up her sleeves and I'm so confused. down both of her arms and around her wrist are very deep cuts that look only about a day old. All I can think to ask is...

Her POV

"Why?" and that's the one question that I don't know what to respond to

"because...i...i" I say but start to get choked up and a tear falls. Toshiro reaches over and wipes it away. He pulls me into his lap and just holds me.

"shhhh..its ok...its ok..your safe." He says trying to calm down. And for the first time in a long time I feel ok. Not great but ok.

After a few minutes I start to tell him every thing. How it started with the loss of my mother. And how sometimes I wouldn't eat for a day or two at all. And then he did something I was afraid of. He got a scale. Then he set me down on it and knew it wasn't good by his reaction. I looked down and I weighed 96.4 pound. He sighed like he knew it would be like that.

"Unohana said if you weighed that little you needed to go talk to her but its late. Do you want me to walk you home or do you want to stay here."

"Can I?"

"of course. Come here." He said sitting down on the bed and motioning for me to over. I sat down and he turned off the lights he kissed my forehead. He was about to leave but I really didn't want to be alone. I grabbed his arm.

"Please don't leave me."

"Never." He said smiling at me. I smiled back a little

He came and laid down next to me. He put his arm around my waist and held me. Right before I was about to fall asleep I heard.

"I love you, so much." And I fell asleep without bad dreams for the first time in years.


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter is a little shorter than the last one but another will be posted later.**

Her POV

I was wakened in a nice way. Toshiro has kissed me awake. It was not with extreme passion. Just a nice sweet kiss.

"Good morning." He says after we finally break apart.

"Morning." I say moving a little so I can get up.

I get dizzy for a second and Toshiro noticed so he helps me up.

"You ok?" He says slightly concerned.

I'm about to respond but my stomach beats me to it by growling. And I remember after what happened yesterday I never ate lunch or dinner.

"Let's go find you something to eat." He said trying to get me to go. He made toast and gave me a glass of water. I was happy he cared but I just couldn't do it. i couldn't eat. He went up stairs to get ready to take me to the 4th.

When he came back I had taken a few sips of water which usually makes the hunger go away and it did, but he noticed I still hadn't eaten any of the toast. I was scared. No petrified to do it.

"You need to eat something."

"I...I can't."

"Please anything is better than nothing." He said. his eyes full concern for me. I took a few bites. Maybe had half but that's all I could take without a full mental break down. And I had enough of those last night.

"It's ok. You don't have to finish. You should go get ready to leave." He said taking my plate.I kissed him on the cheek then left.

I knew I need to get better but I didn't want to yet. I wanted to lose a few more pounds. I made sure to wright down in my phone's journal to have and extra workout today if I could get away from Toshiro. I just don't want him upset. So what he doesn't know is i went upstairs I did a minute or two worth of exercise before very quickly getting dressed so he wouldn't think something was wrong.

I went down the stairs and Toshiro was waiting to go.

"Ready?"

"Yeah, what does Unohana want anyway?"

"Don't know." He says after locking the door behind us. He grabs my hand and we walk to her office in the 4th division. When we get there she has Toshiro stay outside while we talk.

"I think you know why your here Karin."

"No I don't."

"I know about you self harm." I talk a breath in. I really hoped she didn't know.

"Oh." I say kinda looking away.

"I know you also are anorexic." Ok so what dose she not know I think to myself.

"I need to examine you to see what extremes you have gone to. ok?"

"I guess." I say getting a little scared.

She moves me over to what I can tell is me old friend. The dreaded scale. I look away I don't want to know what my weight is this time. She wrights it down in some kind of journal. Next she pulls me over to the mirror. And that's when I start to panic a little. I hate mirrors. They only show the truth. A mirror can't lie. I put my hand on my collar bone. I feel sick just looking at myself.

She wrights down my reactions. She then steps back to where I am. My hands start to shake a little and my eyes water but I won't cry. I won't not now.

"Its ok." She says nicely trying to help.

"I'm gonna need to see all of the cuts and scars." That's when I can't take it. A single tear falls.

"Would you like Toshiro in here." She ask me very calmly while still smiling.

"Yes Please." I say wiping the tear of my face still shaking a little. She goes to get him and then leaves us in her office for a minute.

"Hey. Its ok. Don't worry we just want to help. Ok?" He said hugging me and smiling trying to make things ok. I nod and he go's and opens the door.

Once she's back she walks over to me again.

"Are you ready." she ask.

"Yeah." I say weakly. I take off my jeans and shirt so she can see all of the cuts and scars. She walks behind me and puts her hand on my backbone which is very visible just like my hips and my ribs too. When she's done I put my clothes back on and Toshiro walks back over to me and holds me for a second which calms me down a lot.

"Thank you Karin for trusting me," She says nicely.

"But now I need to talk with Toshiro. Ok?"

"Yeah. Of course."

I say about to turn and walk out of the office ,but Toshiro stops me. He hands me his keys.

"Go home. Read a book or take a nap. I'll be home soon." He said kissing be on the cheek then letting me out and shutting the door behind me.

I knew now would be one of my only times today to workout so I ran all the way back home. And exercised till I could feel his spiritual pressure starting to come home.


	3. Chapter 3

His POV

As I start walking home I play what Unohana said over and over again in my mind. About how now that she has diagnosed Karin with depression and anorexia she will need to be closely monitored. Karin now has to go in once a week and get weighed and checked for new cuts. I have to keep a food journal with her so we know she is eating. I also can't let her see her weight which I can just tell with her will be I it gets worse Karin may have to stay at the 4th division.

As I go up to the house I remember she has the keys so I knock. When she comes to the door she looks tired. Like she is exhausted, but I know she sleep last night I was there watching over her.

"You look tired. Are you sleeping ok?" I as hoping she will tell the truth

"Kinda I have nightmares sometimes." She say quietly

"Go take a nap. You look like yo need one."I say show a rare smile

"Will you come?" She ask sounding like a kid thats scared of the monsters under the bed.

"Yeah." I say leading her up the stairs.

When she falls asleep I carefully detach myself from her grasp with out waking her. I go in to the bathroom knowing now it the time to hide the scale so she can't weigh herself any more.

Once I know she shouldn't be able to find it I crawl back into bed with her once I know she safe in my arms I start to drift into a dream myself.

**-Break-**

**I know its short but another chapter will be posted tonight. WARNING it will be a little darker than the rest**


	4. Chapter 4

Just breathe.

I step on the scale. All I think before I look down is. why? why am I so stupid to have eaten. I get shot of nerves before I look down. Then all I do is get angry angry at myself and the world and that mirror. Oh that mirror really makes me mad cause all it shows me is the truth. The fat

I feel sick like something is hitting me in the stomach. I just want to make the fat go away. I don't want to think about what I ate today cause I just am ashamed by the thought. But I wright it down the total calories and amazing 780. Wow the fat pig is in the room and its me I can't take this. Why am I so fat every thing I do I stay fat. Stand on the scale again but tho time I look down 97.5 that's 1 more pound than the last time. Which is just the term for failure. I sit on the floor legs out and the smash there fatness together. I see my self in the mirror.

Oh that mirror it makes me want to die. Not that I didn't already feel that way. A grab my razor I hid. I look up at myself in the mirror and then I know to do it. It not how people make it seem online. There is no blood dripping down my at there is just a small droplet of blood. A little red spot that feels so good. I wipe it away and do another cut about the same length. I do that over and over again. I start to go a little faster since my arm goes a little numb.

Eventually I have cut both arms. There's only a few nicks near me wrist so I don't need to worry about my sleeves going up the rest off the way down my at is covered.

I clean off the small blood droplets a when everything stopped bleeding I change into a long sleeve shirt that isn't scratchy and turn up my depressing music so I can calm down. I eventually fall asleep.

I guess Toshiro comes home son after I feel asleep cause when I wake up its only been an hour or 2 since I fell asleep. I look over were face to face, and he has his arm around my waist kinda on my hip. I see he mud have checked my arms cause my sleeves are both rolled up. He seams really close tonight I'll just be gone in a second.

I get a little closer and he opens his eyes.

"Your awake."

"Yeah" he looks at my arms and is upset.

"Why couldn't you have just waited for me to get home." He said trying to figure out why I had cut myself today.

"I had to weigh myself."

"I thought I hid the scale." He said a little upset with himself. I then fell horrible.

"I'm sorry, I..I..just had to know."

"Its alright." He said giving me slightest kiss.

"Are you ok now" he said holding me close so I laid my head on his chest.

"As much as I can be."

"You need to come to me next time you fell like that."

"But I always feel like that." I say only speaking the truth

"I know. I know. But I your fell like your going to cut just come find me. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. Just find me."

"I'll try." I say holding him tight.

"Good. Now get some sleep my love."

"I love you."

"I love you too." He says as I fall asleep. But not a good dream its my usual nightmares. Yuzu or Ichi or my father getting hurt and its all my fault. But when I wake its all ok because I'm safe in his arms.

**-Break-**

**I posted to shorter chapters today. So i'll try to make two long ones this week. **


	5. Chapter 5

His POV

I can feel it. She's at home crying. I look at the clock and realize it 10:27 and I need to go. I told Karin yesterday that if she felt like she needed to hurt herself that she should come to me. I can feel that she's upset. I start to go home knowing she needs someone.

When I open the door I can tell she's extremely upset. I go up the stairs and open the door to the bedroom. When I see her she's in the bathroom her wrist are bleeding. And her cuts are just keep getting deeper every time she does it. I walk up to her carefully,trying not to scare her .I reach over take the razor from her hand and grab her wrist making sure not to hurt her. She was crying silently but now that I'm here she leans in to me and sobs. While holding her I start to wrap her arms. She sobs so hard her body shakes.

She has to get looked at. I stand up carrying her. I put my captain's haori around her I start walking to the 4th division. When I get there Unohana has me take Karin to a room.

After hard night for Karin she eventually fell asleep in her room in the 4th. I held her hand the whole night, hoping in anyway to help her through this, to let her know I am here for her and that I care. Unohana tells me that Karin depression, anxiety, and anorexia have come to the point that she needs as many people around her that love her as she can have. So she has to tell her family.

Ichigo lives in the soul society like Karin, and he is the captain of the 5th division. So when Karin is feeling better and Unohana says she can leave she has to tell her brother. And then her father and Yuzu in the world of the living. I look up at Karin one more time making sure she is safe and asleep before finally going to sleep for the night.

I wake up still holding her hand like the night before. I see she is starting to stir. Unohana told her about needing to tell Ichigo and since then she's been different. Almost on edge or unsure about what to do. Once she's awake I gently move her hair out of her face.

"Hi." I say giving her a rare smile. Which usually makes her feel good but I don't think anything will calm her today.

"Hi." She says quietly back.

In the afternoon Unohana lets Karin go home with me, but says she must tell Ichigo today. After taking her to get changed we go to Ichigo's office in the 5th division.

Her POV

All I can think is he's going to be mad. He'll hate me just like everyone else. Toshiro lets me walk into his office and then closes the door behind me leaving the room to just me and Ichigo.

"Hey Karin. What's up?" He says not looking up from some paper he's working on.

"We need to talk." I says nervously

"Is everything okay, Karin?" He said stopping what he was doing. He comes and sits next to me starting to getting a little worried.

"Not really, that's why I'm here."

"What's wrong, Karin? You can tell me."

"I am depressed." I say is a long pause before he can say anything.

"Karin... Do you...Do you hurt yourself." He says getting upset. All I can do I nod and look down not wanting to see his reaction. Suddenly he's hugging me. I can tell he's crying.

"Are you ok?" Is all he says. He pulls away from me and looks me strait in the eyes to see if I lie.

"No I'm not ok. But I'm trying to get better."

"Is there anything you else, anything at all that you need to tell me."

"Unohana has also diagnosed me with anorexia."

"Who else knows this. Dose dad or Yuzu?" Ichi says calmly. Which is not how I thought he would react at all.

"Toshiro knows and no dad and Yuzu don't know yet. But I telling them soon."

"Thank you, Karin. For telling me its good you did this." He says smiling. For the first time in this horrible day I feel strong like I can do this. I can beat this. I hug Ichigo one more time before leaving. Toshiro go's with me to the world of the living. My father and Yuzu both react how I thought they would. My dad seamed to already know something was wrong. Yuzu was just upset and shocked but in the end told me it everything would be ok.

When me and Toshiro got back home in the soul society he was glad I had told everyone.

"You did a brave thing today, Karin." He say looking at me. I smiled at him and he kissed me. We started to get closer and closer but we had to come back for air. He picked me up really fast and started to walk to the room all I did was laugh the way there. He laid me down in bed and turned off the lights. He laid next to me and kissed me one more time.

"Goodnight, My love. " he said. As I fell asleep I had a determination , I knew now I could fight this. I would be ok and I would be able to make it out of this alive.

"Goodnight, Toshiro."

**-break-**

**There should be another chapter this weekend.**

**Please review this I would like all comments, hope you enjoyed it!**


	6. Chapter 6

I'm sad like always so I decide to wright.

_I can't do it. All I do everyday is hate myself and despise everything about me. Well I'm done with it. The hating. The sadness. The pain. The depression. The anxiety. The anorexia. The everything. I'm just done. I can't take this world anymore. No one will notice so dose it matter that I live. I don't know how I made it this long. I'll do it in a way that's painful on the outside so I don't think about the pain I feel inside. I could starve. Then I'd be perfect and skinny. Just no more eating and eventually I'll fade away. But I can't do that. I can't leave Toshiro in as much pain ad I feel now. This pain is something I'd never want anyone to endure. _

I wright all of this down in my journal and hide it not wanting anyone to find it. Next I walk to where I keep my blade. I hold near my wrist. I think before I cut.

I never do that. I always cut on impulse and need. I don't never think. I cut three straight lines and when I see how deep they are I stop. Blood starts to fall down my arm onto the bathroom floor. I get scared of what death could be like. I put the blade down, an I run. Down the stairs and out the door. I don't know where I'm going at first but my body seems to know.

I run through the doors of the 10th division and into his office. Rangiku isn't here like always which right now I'm happy about.

"T...Toshiro." I say shakily. He looks up at me. I can't imagine he's thinking. I sat here, in front of him with my selves rolled up and blood going down one of my arms. He doesn't say anything yet just walks up takes my wrist. I flinch. He looks at the open cuts. He sits me down on the couch and he starts to heal me using Kido. I just sit there unsure what to do. Once he's done there's just a little line. It's not like my other scars this one rises up and makes and long bump across my wrist.

"Do you want to talk?" I shake my head no afraid of what he might say. He starts to say something, but before anything comes out he stops.

"Why did you cut so deep?" I shrug not really wanting to talk about what I was thinking right before I cut

"You need to talk to me, Karin."

"I'm…sorry"

"It's ok" he say giving me a light kiss.

"Do you want to go or do you want me to come with you?"

"I'm ok. You have paperwork." I say getting up to leave.

"Alright I'll be home soon." He says kissing me on the forehead, and then shutting the door behind me.

As I walk home all that is on my mind is what I thought before I cut.

_Maybe if cut deep enough I'll finally fade away._

**-Break-**

**So hope you enjoyed next chapter will be important so look forward to some new stuff soon. Please review and stuffies :)**

**Bye my lovely's! **


End file.
